Saturday was AWESOME

Dude. Saturday was AWESOME. Me and Joey started drinking at three because that's just how we roll. We started playing beer pong on the porch and everyone walking by kept looking at us like we were crazy since we were playing one on one. Whatever, we're just way more hardcore than everyone else. One guy yelled something about getting enough friends to play properly at us, but Joey yelled back "Hey why don't you quit speaking Spanish you stupid Mexican!" Yeah, I couldn't believe it either, but Joey is nuts man. The best part was the guy wasn't even Mexican, so he had no comeback at all. Owned so hard. Anyway, we played like ten games of beer pong or something. I went undefeated since Joey chokes all the time and can't hit the last cup. That kid is worthless. He was pretty drunk by the time we were done - apparently I'm the only person around here who knows how to handle his alcohol. We were pretty hungry by then, so we went to Jimmy John's to grab some eats before all those other bitches decided it was "late enough" to start drinking. Joey was being so annoying - he was like yelling at the guy who works there and trying to pick up these really ugly girls. It was so funny. I tried to explain to the worker guy that we had just played ten games of beer pong and I had won them all. The stupid guy just had this blank look on face, but I think he was really impressed. People usually are when I rattle off my beer pong stats. I should put that shit in a spreadsheet or something. While we were eating, we came up with this sweet plan to surprise the rest of the house with a keg when we got home. Oh man, everyone was going to be so pumped. We didn't have enough money on us though so we had to stop by the house again. We made a big deal of asking everyone what they were doing later and telling them how lame their plans sounded. You won't believe what happened next. Joey passed out like a bitch. I couldn't believe it. I took a Sharpie and wrote "Insert cock here" with an arrow pointing to his mouth on his face. That'll teach him. I didn't want to get the keg all by myself even though I'm pretty sure I could carry it, but instead I found Marky so we could take his car. Needless to say, Marky thought it was an awesome plan. Getting the keg was so funny. I gave the guy my fake ID and just kept giggling the whole time. It really doesn't even look that much like me, but the moron at the store was too stupid too notice. He just kind of scoffed and said, "Enjoy Eric." Eric is the name on the ID. He actually thought I was Eric. Idiot. Then when we get home as we're taking the keg out of the car, Dan pulls into the driveway. "Shit there goes the surprise," I thought. Not so fast. Marky took off his jacket and threw it over the keg before Dan could see it. I can't believe Dan didn't notice the keg. We even stood there talking to him for a minute. What a dumbass. So Marky goes into the house to distract everyone while I carry the keg in - I had to carry it because Marky is about as strong as my sister. He really needs to hit the gym more. I mean I'd be happy to help him. I started working out when I was like twelve. Anyway, I get the keg in, everyone comes up from the basement, sees the keg, and goes nuts. You should have seen Brad. He ripped his shirt off - literally - and declared it "PAR-TAY TIME!" He actually ripped his shirt. It was so badass. We finished the keg off in like an hour, maybe an hour and a half. By then we were all so drunk that we were just doing the stupidest stuff. Some of us even climbed out on the roof and just chilled and yelled and threw oranges at the people on the street. Man, people do NOT like having oranges thrown at them. Some stupid bitch couldn't get out of the way, got hit by an orange and called the cops on us. We got so lucky, the cop that showed up was Brad's cousin or something so we got off with a "loose verbal warning" whatever the hell that is. Man you really missed out. It was so much fun. I must have had like 28 or 29 beers by the time I went to bed which is probably like the fifth most I've EVER had. I felt terrible on Sunday, but I could rest easy knowing that Monday would bring lecture halls full of kids who would hear my story when I tell it way too loudly. Those kids think I'm so cool.