Saturday was AWESOME

Dude. Saturday was AWESOME. Me and Joey started drinking at three because that's just how we roll. We started playing beer pong on the porch and everyone walking by kept looking at us like we were crazy since we were playing one on one. Whatever, we're just way more hardcore than everyone else. One guy yelled something about getting enough friends to play properly at us, but Joey yelled back "Hey why don't you quit speaking Spanish you stupid Mexican!" Yeah, I couldn't believe it either, but Joey is nuts man. The best part was the guy wasn't even Mexican, so he had no comeback at all. Owned so hard. Anyway, we played like ten games of beer pong or something. I went undefeated since Joey chokes all the time and can't hit the last cup. That kid is worthless. He was pretty drunk by the time we were done - apparently I'm the only person around here who knows how to handle his alcohol. We were pretty hungry by then, so we went to Jimmy John's to grab some eats before all those other bitches decided it was "late enough" to start drinking. Joey was being so annoying - he was like yelling at the guy who works there and trying to pick up these really ugly girls. It was so funny. I tried to explain to the worker guy that we had just played ten games of beer pong and I had won them all. The stupid guy just had this blank look on face, but I think he was really impressed. People usually are when I rattle off my beer pong stats. I should put that shit in a spreadsheet or something. While we were eating, we came up with this sweet plan to surprise the rest of the house with a keg when we got home. Oh man, everyone was going to be so pumped. We didn't have enough money on us though so we had to stop by the house again. We made a big deal of asking everyone what they were doing later and telling them how lame their plans sounded. You won't believe what happened next. Joey passed out like a bitch. I couldn't believe it. I took a Sharpie and wrote "Insert cock here" with an arrow pointing to his mouth on his face. That'll teach him. I didn't want to get the keg all by myself even though I'm pretty sure I could carry it, but instead I found Marky so we could take his car. Needless to say, Marky thought it was an awesome plan. Getting the keg was so funny. I gave the guy my fake ID and just kept giggling the whole time. It really doesn't even look that much like me, but the moron at the store was too stupid too notice. He just kind of scoffed and said, "Enjoy Eric." Eric is the name on the ID. He actually thought I was Eric. Idiot. Then when we get home as we're taking the keg out of the car, Dan pulls into the driveway. "Shit there goes the surprise," I thought. Not so fast. Marky took off his jacket and threw it over the keg before Dan could see it. I can't believe Dan didn't notice the keg. We even stood there talking to him for a minute. What a dumbass. So Marky goes into the house to distract everyone while I carry the keg in - I had to carry it because Marky is about as strong as my sister. He really needs to hit the gym more. I mean I'd be happy to help him. I started working out when I was like twelve. Anyway, I get the keg in, everyone comes up from the basement, sees the keg, and goes nuts. You should have seen Brad. He ripped his shirt off - literally - and declared it "PAR-TAY TIME!" He actually ripped his shirt. It was so badass. We finished the keg off in like an hour, maybe an hour and a half. By then we were all so drunk that we were just doing the stupidest stuff. Some of us even climbed out on the roof and just chilled and yelled and threw oranges at the people on the street. Man, people do NOT like having oranges thrown at them. Some stupid bitch couldn't get out of the way, got hit by an orange and called the cops on us. We got so lucky, the cop that showed up was Brad's cousin or something so we got off with a "loose verbal warning" whatever the hell that is. Man you really missed out. It was so much fun. I must have had like 28 or 29 beers by the time I went to bed which is probably like the fifth most I've EVER had. I felt terrible on Sunday, but I could rest easy knowing that Monday would bring lecture halls full of kids who would hear my story when I tell it way too loudly. Those kids think I'm so cool.

Deplete The Ozone

Remember the good old days of not being bombarded with movies and cable specials telling the scary tale of global warming? Remember carelessly emitting CFCs all summer and shivering through ice age-esque winters? Those blissful days are gone. Why? We no longer have a luxury we once did: a punctured ozone layer. Look at the diagram below to see how heat interacts with Earth's atmosphere.

The baby blue hole represents the hole in the ozone layer. See how the heat (represented by yellow arrows) escapes? Balance is maintained; temperatures are stable. Apparently some silly environmentalists did not take the time to master this diagram and decided a hole in the ozone layer must be bad. Plenty of good things have holes - donuts, worn in jeans, Billy Idol records. No one tries to unnecessarily repair these. However, the environmentalists got the media on their side and suddenly we were subjected to "Ozone Action Days" during which you aren't supposed to put gas in your car or mow your lawn. This also led to other "rules" like "you must wear pants in public." Anyway, the environmentalist fear mongers won. The ozone was repaired, and our little diagram now looks like this:


Looks like the heat is getting trapped in the Earth's atmosphere. This seems like it would cause a warming of the globe - a global warming if you will. Interesting how the environmentalists turn out to be responsible for global warming. Unless global warming turns out to be wholly untrue - then the environmentalists are guilty of being dumb and annoying. Unlike everyone else who seems to like just talking about global warming, I have a plan. There are two parts to this plan. Step one. Purchase copious amount of freon, condense it into aerosol spray cans, then (from a distance) shoot the can with a pistol. Step two. Build a bonfire. When it is flaming up nice and good, throw in the aerosol can remnants and several batteries. Then all that's left is to sit back and wait for the hole in the ozone to reopen and propel Earth into another ice age.

Maybe I will make those two diagrams into a PowerPoint presentation. Hell I could win an Oscar.

Does Anyone Listen?

Do some people not have the ability to hear and comprehend the words escaping their mouths? While I generally like to point out mistakes and then have a good laugh and feel superior, I've been doing this a little too often. In the last day or so I have heard three things that simply should never be said.

• While discussing a possible movie about his life on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Lance Armstrong commented on how he would like his tombstone to read 'cancer survivor' rather than something to do with cycling. He wants his tombstone to read cancer survivor. Not that I don't admire those battling and defeating cancer, but come on.

• An ABC news correspondent noted that a particular party had been receiving calls from the "governor of Atlanta."

• Ann Coulter referred Ann Coulter spoke. That should be enough.

I don't ask for much. Well, maybe I do. But come on people. If you want your voice to be heard, know what you are saying. (This doesn't apply to me, no one reads this anyway.)