The 1/2 Hour News Hour

Why does Fox News have a news satire show? Presumably it's a conservative response to Comedy Central's The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. It's terrible. You can tell from the name that it's going to be predictable and boring. The 1/2 Hour News Hour. I would love to meet the cunning linguist who dreamed up that one. For a network that attempts to be a legitimate news source, Fox News seems to be just putting on a shitty imitation of Weekend Update. And not the Norm McDonald Weekend Update - I'm talking about the Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey Weekend Update. Shouldn't Fox News be more concerned with what CNN and MSNBC are doing? No, no. Focusing on Comedy Central is the proper strategy. Someone needs to send them this.

Smite

Smite - v. tr. - Giving an interview on CNN telling a Biblical story in which a man prays God will add fifteen years to his life and explaining how you have been reciting the same prayer in hopes to add twenty years to your life so you can continue to spread God's message, dying the following week.

I would feel bad about the passing of Rev. Jerry Falwell, but the guy pretty much made a career out of citing religion to excuse his being a dick. I have no problem with wanting to spread morality, but I think Falwell may have been going about it the wrong way. Examples:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For The American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped [September 11] happen.'"

"I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King..."

"Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers."

That whole supporting Apartheid thing.

This is the part where I make broad sweeping conclusions about life and religion that are wholly unfounded and sure to piss some people off. Here we go. (1) Richard Dawkins will watch his book sales skyrocket as this incident makes people believe there is no God. (2) God doesn't like it when people use him as excuse for bigotry. Thanks to Rufus in Dogma for inspiring this thought. (3) God doesn't hate "alternative lifestyles." (4) Don't ask God to extend your life so you can continue to do things that piss Him off.

Iowa: A Photo Diary

While driving through Iowa, I took a picture every twenty miles. Here are the pictures.

Mile 20

Mile 40

Mile 60

Mile 80

Mile 100

Mile 120

Mile 140

Mile 160

Mile 180

Mile 200

Mile 220

Mile 240

Mile 260

Mile 280

Mile 300

If you are going to drive through Iowa, you either need a fully loaded iPod or the autobiography of Malcolm X. Otherwise...

Pissed Off Commercial Mom

You know that commercial for Kay Jewelers where the mom comes home and the kids are in the garage playing instruments and singing some shitty "Happy Mother's Day!" song? If I was the mom, I would be pissed. First of all, this is at least the second year in a row the kids have tried to pull this garbage. They didn't even write a new song. Second, the husband buys his wife the same bracelet/necklace/earrings/whatever as last year. Doesn't he know to vary gifts year to year? That jerk probably just put last years gift back in the box and acted like it was new. Third, you just know there were hours of rehearsal in the garage with Daddy yelling at the kids and telling them what terrible musicians they are. Just watch the girl who does the singing while playing the maracas. NO rhythm. She probably took the brunt of the abuse. It going to take years of therapy to correct the damage done by Daddy. When she's 19, stripping, and continually living for her next high, I hope Daddy's happy that she remembered all the words to the Mother's Day song. My last complaint is that the guy was stupid enough to go to Kay. Yeah sure, every kiss begins with Kay, but does he know what begins with Borsheim's?

Insult Your Customers

I was driving through Illinois this weekend and passed a restaurant called Mindy's Ribs. Mindy's is right next to Interstate 80, so I would guess that the appearance of the building has something to do with the number of customers. What does Mindy do? Mindy plasters the slogan "Better than ribs from your own backyard!" in big letters all over the side of the building. My reaction isn't "Prove it!" It's more along the lines of "Go to hell, my ribs are great." I don't think I'm the only one who would think this. I'm no big city marketing executive, but telling your potential customers you are better than them doesn't seem like a good idea. Especially if your ribs suck. Get your shit together Mindy.